Every year I write these birthday posts. I dig deep for three daughters and I write. When a new birthday rolls around I pause for a moment and wonder if there’s something new I’ll say. And there always is because each new year is a year of discovering more of each of you.

You high-jacked my blog last July and wrote words that overwhelmed me. Sometimes I pull that post up and read it. And cry.

For twenty years I’ve had this awesome privilege of being your mother. I’ve always known you were so not shy; your instinct is to be comfortable in your own skin but you still struggle with that at times like most females do. I think it’s good. Because it always causes you to dig deep and you always fall back on knowing who you are in Christ.

I’ve always known that you’ve also struggled with second place. He’s known all along too. And maybe sometimes He wants to remind you that you are always first with Him. But you just can’t always be first in everything. I can picture you now as a little girl listening to Nana saying those very words . . . “You just can’t always win and you can’t always be first. And until you realize that you won’t be happy.” And you responding . . . “You’re right. You’re right. I’m just not happy.” Every time you struggle I bet those words help snap you right back.

Each year I watch you grow and discover more because you keep letting Him work in you. Each year I discover more as you let Him.

This past year I’ve watched as you’ve determined to learn to cook in all of your left-handed awkwardness. You have no idea how much that has blessed me. And Brandon. I hope you’ll keep it up. Come to think of it, it’s been a while. You have stepped up in so many ways, filling in for me while I was in Ecuador. You’ve taken on challenges and pressed through. You’ve found a niche and followed in my footsteps as Nanny. You’ve pressed through challenges in your studies and refused to give up. I couldn’t be more proud.

Courtney, I know that you are still digging and seeking to find your place and the Lord’s plans for you in this life. And I know it can be so frustrating. Sometimes it’s all about the process, the learning, and not about the answers. Already this year I’ve watched you unfold the internal battles that you’ve struggled with. My heart would break in a million pieces if it weren’t for this: I know Christ has a plan. I know He heals. I know He does all things well.

I, however, do not do all things well. When I watch you struggle with emotion—this mirror reflection of me—I fight guilt. If you see me overcome it’s easy to feel like a wonderful example to you. But I know you see me struggle, too. And I could nosedive right into feeling guilty and wish you weren’t so much like me, that you didn’t struggle in some of the same areas. But I won’t. I don’t.

Because Daughter, when you do see me overcome it is not me at all that I expect you to see. It’s all His glory. So when I fall, I will do what I always do though it may take me longer sometimes than others. I’ll fall on grace. I’ll keep on falling on grace. And I hope that’s what you’ll always do, too.

If I could give you anything in the world for this, your twentieth birthday, it would be grace. I’ll just keep on inserting grace. I’ll pray this year that we’ll learn together to always, always, always see His grace. Because this world has gotten so far away from this truth, this gift. There’s rest in grace. There’s peace there. And in this year of deployment for your sister we’re gonna need grace, grace, and more grace.

So in this year of discovering more of Christ and more of who you are, I pray you’ll receive, you’ll see, you’ll grasp, more of grace.

You will always be my second born. The middle is where you were meant to be. It’s your role. And only left-handed you could fill it so beautifully.

I love you more than clean sheets, back massages, and eight hours of sleep.

 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. ~ Matthew 5:16 KJV

Keep on shining, Courtney!!!

I love you to infinity and beyond!!!

Mama