Gavin’s rhythmic breathing is occasionally interrupted as he sleeps next to me.  A perfection distraction.  I ponder the words for this post and my thoughts keep drifting.

I rolled his pack-n-play into my bedroom earlier tonight while Cammie and Trey began packing Trey’s bags.  We’ll say goodbye to Trey Friday morning.  He’ll leave for Mississippi where he’ll begin his two month training for Iraq.  Then, after returning home for four days, he’ll be off.

Don’t be so melodramatic, I tell myself.  But the truth is, it is dramatic. I’ve been given no manual on how I’m supposed to feel or respond to this.  I think I’ll stick with being honest.

I’m so proud of him. I’m proud of both of them.  Never in a million years could I have fathomed that my oldest daughter would be a Soldier much less marry one.  Comprehending the reality of a new family sacrificing so much for the sake of the Soldier’s call was about as real to me as a Liftetime movie.

Until now.

My head says choose your words very carefully, say all the things a mother is supposed to say. My heart says guard your emotions, be strong. But I don’t know all of the right things to say.  And quite frankly, I’m very emotional.

Today, Trey is here. But I don’t know what it will be like for Cammie when she begins busying herself next week with Gavin, job hunting and preparations for college in the fall.  I have not a clue of what the upcoming year will look like for Trey.  How in the world am I supposed to parent?  I feel so inadequate. I’m just learning the new role of grandmother.  And I still haven’t found my rule book I lost since Sophie was born.

So I won’t pretend.

I’m not super strong.  I’m a little scared.  Frustration nips at me as I struggle with the roles I’ve been thrust into.  Guilt gnaws and I remind myself it’s not about me. I don’t have to know all of the answers.

I know the One who does.  And though my words fail, His never do.

Love covers.

When questions and concerns for the Soldier on foreign soil creep in and needs arise here on domestic soil, I’m confident that He will remind me. . .

Love covers.