R-e-s-p-e-c-t
Joe and I will celebrate our fourteenth anniversary on April 18. Our marriage has been an amazing journey marked with trials and triumphs. I’ve known from the beginning that among the many great qualities Joe possesses he is very patient. But I’ve only come to realize the depth of his patience over the past few years.
As much as I love him I have to admit that I haven’t always shown him the respect he deserves. I thought I did. No, that’s not altogether true. I pretended I did. But countless times I tore him down with my mouth. I’d often brush it off and tell myself that I was only venting to him and scratch my head as to how in the world he would take it personally. But other times there was no denying it and certainly no excusing it. I flat out disrespected him.
Looking back I see how I took advantage of his patience and made light of the weakness that is my temper. Knowing your own strengths and weaknesses is vital in this life. But knowing them alone is not enough. If we’re not careful we’ll cradle our vices like they’re an inseparable part of us. The truth is that we are toying with sin when we do this.
I had become quite comfortable with making the most important person in this world to me the scapegoat for every frustration and upset that came my way. Though there were many occasions in which I’d felt he had wronged me and thus, my attitude toward him was justified in my mind, there was never an excuse for my blatant disrespect. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not implying that we wives don’t have the right to confront or discuss or even effectively argue with our husbands. But this wasn’t the case. The ugly truth is that what proceeded out of my mouth was downright sinful. It wasn’t always what I said but how I said it.
A foolish woman tears her own house down {Proverbs 14:1}.
One day he’d had enough. Several years ago during an all out fight late one night he’d said so. “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Those five words were a revelation that left me speechless. Painful truth had exposed me. The following days were a time of reflection and repentance for me. I knew he was right and I knew something had to change. I had to change. I admitted this to Joe and promised things would be different.
I knew Ephesians 5. I knew what the Lord required of me—submission and respect. With His help I determined to do this. The thing about respect is that we have to choose to show it just as we choose to love. It’s a choice. While respect is in some ways earned it is also required in others. Children are required to respect their parents in the position and authority they hold. Citizens are required to respect law enforcers. And respect is also required of wives. It’s not about whether or not they uphold their position perfectly. Men crave respect. They need it. God made them this way.
I found that the more I submitted to this the easier it became. In times past I’d buck the system over issues from parenting to finances to simple words of advice. But I started listening more carefully when suggestions were made. I became especially attentive to Joe’s wishes, thoughts and opinions even when I didn’t understand or I completely disagreed. My opinions matter to him and be sure that they are heard. But ultimately he is the head of my home and I’ve learned that when I trust God to lead him and choose to submit that He works exceeding abundantly above all that I could ask or think.
Perhaps you’ve struggled with your relationship with your husband. Maybe he’s hurt you deeply. It matters. These things aren’t meant to be disregarded. However, when we choose to disrespect our husbands because they’ve wronged us it’s not only noneffective, it’s damaging. The marital problems multiply. But when we take our hurts to the Lord and choose to obey Him by respecting our husbands we give Him something to work with. If we’re willing and obedient we’ll eat of the good of the land {Isaiah 1:19}.
As I reflect over the past fourteen years I can see the transition that took place when respect became a priority. I’ve learned that some of the issues that I had in the past with my husband were a direct result of my not respecting him for years. I’ve witnessed firsthand the beauty that God brings out of obedience to His Word.
For our upcoming anniversary I’ve decided to order an I RESPECT My Husband t-shirt from Union 28.
I wondered if others would find this prideful or arrogant and I second guessed this decision. After all, I haven’t been a prime example of respect. And now you know this truth. But I’ve made a choice. Though I’ve faltered and will yet again, I’ve determined to make this a priority—
I choose to RESPECT my husband!
AWESOME RENA!!! BRAVE WORD!!! KEEP UP THE WRITING BETWEEN CHANGING DIAPERS, AND BEING A MOM!! ( AND GRANDMA)!!!! RESPECTFULLY, YOURS DIANA….(PRINCES DI) …
Written with humility and grace. I applaud you for the candor! Your husband has a major blessing from God in you, his wife. May he never forget that…
I certainly try hard not to ever take it for granted from my beautiful bride!
What a beautiful post, and it is lovely to hear your heart on this matter. I too find it hard to respect my husband at times, especially because I have a tendency to think I’m right at all times and in all situations (which I’m obviously NOT!). I have heard it said and I find it true, men flourish when their wives show them respect. Just like I flourish when my husband shows me he loves me. Thank you for your post.
Thanks for the reminder. I recently read Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and it really spoke to me. Since then the topic keeps coming to my attention – I think God is putting it on my heart. I know I haven’t been very respectful of my husband in the past, but I’m working on it now. Keep up the good writing!
Thank-you. I very often struggle with a similar challenge. And my very sweet husband takes it. I have been working so hard on this. Thank-you for the encouragement.
Thank you, Nicole. The fact that you’re honest about how you feel is awesome. God can work with truth. And yes, SO TRUE–they need respect like we need love. I pray you find the grace needed to respect. I’ve been there, Sister.
Amy, it’s so amazing how God will get our attention. I truly feel this is a topic we women need to talk about. I know that for far too long I made excuses to act and react as I pleased. But His ways are always, always better. It’s interesting how we think our way will bring us the results we desire. It’s so not the case. Thank you for reading.
You’re so welcome. Thank you for reading.
This is so true Rena. I have been contemplating the whole submission and respect situation in my home. I often with hold information from my husband and then stress about it, when I finally do tell him, there is usually an argument. If I had just told him the whole story in the first place, there is discussion. Thanks for writing this.
I’ve done the same thing, Michelle. You know, even the seemingly insignificant opinions my husband has turn out to be gold when I listen to him. Maybe it’s not so much that he’s always right but, rather, that I consider what he says and God honors it. Thanks so much for reading.
My sister, I have been waiting for a moment to comment on this post where you spell out respect so beautifully. Aside from your “Love Covers” series, this is your best writing yet. I am so proud to share this journey—this conviction—and to walk this testimony with you.
When I don’t feel like respecting someone or decide they haven’t earned it, I’m reminded that often respecting is about who I am, not who the other person is. It’s a choice like you say. Wear that shirt with pride girl, God’s mercy is new every morning and every day you wear that you are committing to the way you’ll love your man. LOVE it!
Ok, a question or two. What does submissive respect look like? Does it mean that I have no opinion or thoughts other than his? Does that mean that if I think he’s wrong I just keep my mouth shut and let him go his own way? Does it mean that if I really believe he is handling something wrong with parenting I should just ignore it? After all, he IS the boss so he can do what he wants, and he tells me this every time I open my mouth with a different idea or opinion. I just find it incredibly hard to know what is meant by submissive respect. To me that means if my husband says I am never to question him, never to have a different opinion than him, always to obey him without question, let him say and do anything he wants to me without complaining to him or asking anyone else for help, then I should do that b/c that is the submissive thing to do. If I don’t do that then I am not respecting him. Maybe I’m rebellious but why doesn’t he have to do *his* part as well?
Amythest,
It sounds like from you are saying that your husband is abusing his role, or controlling. No, that’s not okay. There was a breakdown in what God intended for our roles at the fall. Eve was beguiled but she chose not to turn to her husband who should’ve been her covering. She did her own thing. YET, the Bible clearly states that he was right there. He was around the corner not knowing what was going on. So he failed to stand up in his role and protect her. He chose not to intervene. They BOTH were wrong.
Please understand that I don’t take lightly what you must be going through. Amythest, this is my second marriage. I know what it’s like to feel controlled and manipulated. Know that this isn’t okay. HOWEVER, what I would encourage you to do is to first continually pour your heart out to the Lord. He cares. He KNOWS! Yet He wants us to run to Him. Have you ever noticed how in the Psalms the Psalmist pours out his soul unto the Lord almost complaining. Okay, maybe even complaining. Yet in the end he always falls back on the fact that the Lord is Sovereign. He is God. AND His ways are so much higher than ours. He wants us to bring our cares. Yet He always, always shines the light of His Word back on us. He will show you how to do this HIS way. You are not meant to be a door mat. Your opinions matter. But what brings change will be HIS Word and His Principles.
The amazing thing is that it changes YOU. And even “IF” our husbands were to NEVER change, ultimately we are to do things HIS way. The freedom happens in US! We become liberated. However, I fully believe that it will indeed bring about a difference in your husband. There is a way to walk with God, be who you are in Him, with confidence and not lose your dignity yet to be submissive. It truly takes His Spirit and His Word. We just cannot do this on our own.
I don’t know what that looks like for you, specifically, at your home, with your husband, in your life. BUT, I will pray with you. I will be sounding board if you would want to email me. Rebellion doesn’t work. It just doesn’t. I get it. I do. BUT, if you will just surrender and ask the Lord to show you how to walk this out, you can trust Him. YOU WILL FIND FREEDOM! It will be undeniable. There will be times the Lord would have us draw lines when something is abusive or harmful. Again, HE will show you the when and the how. Backing up when our husbands make even dumb choices, loving them anyway, ultimately, you will find peace in that it’s in God’s hands.
So what it looks like for you, the Lord will show you. It means keeping silent sometimes. It means speaking firmly IN LOVE other times. It is so much easier when our husbands are seeking Christ. I know this. The church submits because He loved us enough to die for us. Of course that’s how our husbands are supposed to love us. So what about when they aren’t? When they’re not seeking Christ. As I’ve said, I found that when I trusted Christ to lead my husband even when it looked like my husband wasn’t seeking Him, Christ worked. He works through our obedience. We are not given an out to kick against the pricks when we are wronged. He still required a right response.
Please know I’m praying for you now. Feel free to email me.
That should read that he *wasn’t* around the corner. He was right there.
Gives me a different outlook and yes I am strongheaded alot of the times…He lets me know daily to hear him and dont go against him but Im always wAnting to prove a point…but I have tried everything else so respect it is… Though we are not husband and wife 11 years is a long time…so I will change my way of thinking and give him the respect and pray god heals our relationship… Should have read this a long time ago .. Lol thank you for sharing
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